Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother. And she loved me .. in her own special way.
There was a lot of distance between us, both physically and emotionally. My mother carried a lot of baggage from her own childhood and because of that created a lot more baggage with and for me. I know that she was doing the best that she could, using the example that had been set for her and doing everything that she could to not make the same mistakes that her mother did with her.
Of course, with all of those good intentions, she made lots of her own mistakes. Big ones.
In turn, I had my own good intentions of not making the same mistakes that she did, and of course, made my own mistakes as a mother. Also big ones!
The first memory I have of feeling rejected by my mother, was when she caught my father having an affair. She left him for six months. She left my brother and I with him. He worked away, so he had no choice but to put us into foster care. I was four and my brother was about 6 months old.
The second memory I have of feeling rejected by my mother, was when I was six years old. At the age of five, I had appendicitis with complications during surgery. Less than a year later, I had a clot in my tubes which required more surgery, also with complications. She sent me away to live with my grandparents claiming that I needed time away to recover fully and get strong. They were travelling in a caravan around Queensland at the time. Apparently, I was with them for a year.
I remember living in a cane field outside Mackey and in a caravan park in Cairns and there was lots of driving!
Anyway, there were many other times when my mother had me feeling rejected or unimportant in her life and as a result, I became rebellious and out of control as a young teenager. Funnily enough, she believed that it was my father's long work absences and his surly attitude that caused it. She had me believing that too.
It's only recently that I figured out how her own behaviour affected me in such a negative way.
Having said all of that, she was a strong woman who had to deal with a lot of crap in her own life, from a young age. It made her pretty tough and she coped with everything that life threw at her with courage and acceptance and handled it all with strength and dignity (most of the time) and mostly alone. Due to work commitments, Dad was rarely there for emotional support, that's for sure.
There were phases and stages in my life, especially as my kids came into the world, when she was my rock and my best friend. I almost always lived thousands of kms away from her, so we spent hours on the phone together talking about everything baby and child related. I can't even imagine how I would have managed those first few years with the kids, without her love and support, even though it was from afar.
When my husband and I separated, she wanted the kids and I to move to QLD to live with her and Dad til I got on my feet, but I refused. I didn't want to rely on them. I didn't want to hear them say 'I told you so'. I didn't want them to take over raising my kids. I didn't want them telling me how I should live my life. I didn't want my kids to experience what I did as a child.
So I guess that seeing her raise us, mostly on her own, gave me the belief that I could do that too.
She taught me how to cope with life crisis' and to just get on with it.
She taught me to not suffer fools.
She taught me to not rush into life's big decisions, to think long and hard, but when I make a choice, to stick by it.
She taught me how to adapt to all the changes that the journey of life brings .. both the expected and the unexpected.
She taught me, in a strange way, about loyalty and about supporting family and the people who you love and who love you.
Even though she got to spend so little time with my kids, I recognise and know now, that she adored them. I feel a little regretful that the kids and Mum didn't get to spend more time together. I understand now, how important Grandparents are in a child's life, and my choices created a big gap in all their lives.
So now, without my Mum for 11 years this year, and wishing desperately that I could share my perfect little grand daughter with her, I'm actually missing her this year, more than any other year. So many times when Chicklet says or does something amazing, I want to call Mum and tell her all about it. She would have loved how clever and how sassy and how crazy my Chicklet is. I've imagined her laughing til she had tears, at Chicklet's antics.
With a few sooky la la tears rolling down my cheeks, I share this photo of my young Mum, well before I was even a twinkle in her eye ...
... and I wish all the Mums out there, a very happy Mother's Day. If you are lucky enough to still have her in your life, enjoy the day with your Mum, otherwise enjoy your day as a Mum yourself, and have fun with your family. Feel the love from a phone call or a text or a card. It's all precious.
And on a lighter note ...
Nite all.
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