After a relaxing and enjoyable morning playing with Harley, drinking tea and watching a couple of episodes of the new season of Cobra Kai, I made my way into my bedroom for a midday zoom meeting with The Gypsy.
It was a life coaching session - to help her practice for her new business that should be launched in the next month or so.
I wasn't expecting such an emotional session.
For all the work that I've done on myself and the changes I've made to stop triggers, feel more empowered, connect with the divine/universe/lord (whatever you choose to believe) and just create a more peaceful and powerful existence, I was surprised by a simple realisation.
Simply put and in a nutshell, I recalled being sent away to be with my grandparents travelling around Australia in a caravan to recover from two close and serious surgeries.
I was aged 5 for the first surgery (appendicitis) and then almost 6 for the second surgery (a clot in my tubes), less than 12 months apart.
Due to certain circumstances, both were very serious and required weeks in hospital. The second surgery was followed by injections three times daily in my tiny thighs and were incredibly painful - which meant two nurses holding me down while a third jabbed me with the needle - as I screamed, shrieked and fought with all of my might.
Both events were very traumatic and I was not only physically scarred, but emotionally scarred as well.
No sooner had I returned home, my mother made the decision to send me with my grandparents "to recover and heal" ... when what I needed was my safe and secure home with a mother to nurture and tend to me.
I felt like I was being punished and rejected for having been sick.
Evidence of this now new fear, three years later, aged 8, I stood on a piece of broken glass in a river bed and the cut under my foot became infected. My mother wanted to take me to the hospital and the fear was so intense that I screamed and physically fought her to avoid being put in the car.
She gave up on the idea and instead made me bathe my foot in hot salty water three times a day. It healed.
The fear that caused me to react like that was that I didn't want to be sent away again for being sick.
So, subconsciously, I have carried this fear into adulthood. Obviously, as an adult, I'm not going to get sent away ... but whenever illness, disease, weakness, injury rears it's ugly head in my life ... it doesn't even have to be MY illness, disease, weakness or injury ... fear takes over.
Because I have been unaware of the connection to my childhood, that fear, in most instances, takes the form of anger and I had no idea why I got so angry.
Firstly, it explains why I avoid going to the Doctor (3 visits in 17 years) and will do everything in my power to fix myself in my own way.
Secondly, it explains why I get so angry with Adoring Husband every time he comes up with a new 'condition' ... Heart condition, Parkinson's, bladder cancer, GERD, blood pressure, bad back, bad hip, bad knee, bad shoulder, bad cough ... I've been angry a LOT lol.
So having this epiphany today released a lot of emotions that I was very surprised by and was not at all expecting!
It was a good release, tears were shed, I journaled the whole story behind it - how I felt then - how I feel now, I forgave my mother, I forgave myself and I realised it was a pattern that I've carried my whole life and I can let it go now.
Such a small thing but had such a big impact.
Before the end of the session, The Gypsy and I together, completed an exercise involving visualisation, imagination and reprogramming neural pathways, which left me feeling very tingly and ready to face my issues head on.
There were other less impactful realisations during the 2 hour session and I was quite exhausted by the end of it.
The journaling and some meditation under the Bali hut afterwards helped a lot. I feel lighter and the anger, which I held across my shoulders and in my chest has almost completely gone - I feel a bit empty where it was before and I think it will take a while to get used to it not being there.
Freaking weirdsville man, but I feel grateful for the epiphany and how much better I feel for having experienced it.
That would have cost me a few hundred bucks for a psychiatrist haha.
The rest of my day was spent watching three NRL preseason matches - in the end, my Broncos were on top overall and have won the preseason tournament - this is a bad thing because the last two times this happened, they played poorly in the 'actual' season.
It was 'fend for yourself' dinner tonight so I reheated some pea and ham soup from the freezer. Warm and meaty and delicious.
Now I think I'll get some sleep - see if my subconscious needs to conjure some dreams to release some more crap from my psyche!
Nite all.
