The voices in my head

I believe that I am emotionally stunted.

I listen to voices in my head.  I believe that everybody listens to voices in their head, but very few people have ever made the admission, even after I share this information about myself.  In fact, some people are quite offended that I should even suggest that this might be happening to them!

Perhaps I am not only emotionally stunted, but just a little bit crazy as well!!

When I feel an emotion, the voices in my head take control of it.  They talk it through, while I listen carefully, and then they put the emotion in a box and place it on a shelf on the rear wall of my inner cranium.

The voices talk about why I am feeling this emotion, who caused it, what they did to cause it, what their 'issue' is that gave them the ability to cause the emotion, what will happen if I show anybody this emotion, why I need not feel the emotion and where to put it for now until we can get rid of it.

This is not just for bad or negative emotions, but the 'out of control'  happy ones as well.

Must remain calm.  Must remain stoic.  Avoid situations that trigger extreme emotions.  Show a little bit of emotion once in a blue moon, just so that you appear human.

Mostly, this works for me.  Sometimes, like when Vegan Chickie told me that she was pregnant, I lose control a little and 'have a moment', but my moments are few and far between.

It's why I am not a fan of alcohol, drugs, doctors, hospitals (or related TV shows), extreme sports (like sky diving or bungie jumping), or other people's terminal illness.  I must be in control at all times!

Both of my parents were like that and they had no time for emotional people.  Very critical of them in fact ... except for my little sister who is a big sookie la la and shows enough emotion, good and bad, for the whole family.  I think she enjoys feeling these emotions because she does things to purposely remind herself to feel emotional - be it subconsciously or consciously.

I think I have, to a degree, passed on my stunted gene to my children.  I think they are all fighting to rid themselves of it.  I wish them luck!

As I grow older, I feel myself mellowing and I have long lost those nicknames like 'the terminator' or 'the bitch'.  In my new life, people are not so afraid of me.

I'm hoping that the coming of the golden grandchild, Chicklet, will help me loosen all of these nuts and bolts that hold me together so tightly.

My written words are oh so eloquent and insightful and articulate and I appear to be emotionally healthy.  If you hear the surprise in the voices of those who know me, after they read my posts, you realise that this is a new experience for them and they are discovering a new me!   A new human me!

So, allow me to introduce myself ... Age Challenged rQQzy ... is what's on the inside of the woman you see standing before you.  Not really so calm and not really so stoic, but always struggling to look that way.

Here, is where the voices in my head 'shut the hell up' and let me BE ME.

Thank you for listening.