Emotionally Intense

Well I finally got to the boxes behind my desk today.

It was intense, to say the least!

All of my father's medical records and reports, as well as court reports related to the compensation claim made by my mother.

There were 8 large manilla envelopes filled tight with information and I read every page of it.

I assume it's because of my studies, that I can decipher and understand much more of the medical information this time round. Last time I read it, I skimmed over and skipped a lot of the medical jargon, but I looked at everything in detail today.

Honestly, there were so many reports saying the same thing, but in different words, and it was like reading a horror story over and over and hoping that the ending might change each time.

It was an emotional roller coaster for most of the afternoon and when I saw all of the information that Mum had to chase up on her own, over a two year period, I wonder where she got her stamina and emotional strength from.

She also had to endure psychiatric and psychological assessments to determine if she was eligible for compensation relating to shock and trauma for his wrongful death. Reading the specialist reports for these was heart breaking and I was left wondering if I did enough to help ease her pain.

I believe, after reading every detail of Dad's arrival at Gladstone Hospital, and the treatment that followed, that they got off very lightly for their errors. One simple mistake upon his arrival, that both Dad and his mate questioned, sent him slowly spiralling into a painful death spin. A split second bad decision by one staff member, changed our lives forever.

What followed were more stupid and simple mistakes, but they could have been avoided if the first one hadn't been made.

As I read the final note on his hospital charts - 'time of death 1.50pm' - I could feel myself at his bedside again, listening to that heart monitor as his heart stopped beating and we could see the line on the monitor go flat.

I was 37yrs of age but felt like a young child and as one of his brothers hugged me, I said "I'm too young to lose my Dad".

I remember being in the car on the drive home from the hospital and watching all the people continuing to live their lives, shopping, driving, walking, catching the bus, chatting in the streets and thinking to myself "My world has stopped, my Dad is dead, and nobody knows and nobody cares." Such an empty feeling that day.

Still, I wasn't the first person to lose a parent and I wasn't the last.

On a lighter note, I also found printouts of all of the emails that Adoring Husband and I wrote to each other in the first couple of months after we met online.

That was also an emotional ride! But a much happier one .. ah the romance of it all. As I read through those, I could remember that wonderful high that we were riding and the excitement of knowing there was a new email to open when we got home from work, or when we arrived at work in the mornings.

I remembered the first phone call and then the email that followed as we described our nerves leading up to making the call and the relief when we were able to chat as comfortably as we had been able to write.

Adoring Husband's funny jokes and his descriptions of when and how often he thought of me during the day. How quickly we believed that we were meant to be together, and considering the physical distance between us, figuring out how to implement a long term plan to reach that goal.

Those emails left me feeling very warm and fuzzy.

Then of course, there were my high school report cards when I was 14yrs of age! Here is the first one.

ENGLISH: "Inattentive and talkative"

MATHEMATICS: "Rozlyn is capable of much better work but is very talkative in class"

TYPING 1: "Little effort is made. Classroom behaviour is poor."

SOCIAL STUDIES: "If Rozlyn put as much effort into her work as she does into 'showing off' and distracting others, she could do well. She frequently refused to participate."

FOOD & NUTRITION: "Behaviour has deteriorated this semester."

GROOMING & DEPORTMENT: "A little overconfident - could apply her knowledge and benefit by it."

SPEECH: "Though talkative - is achieving well."

DRAMA: "Needs to co-operate  with the group and make a more conscientious effort."

HEALTH ED: "Satisfactory."

PHYS. ED: "Satisfactory."

FINAL COMMENT: A poor student, Rozlyn will achieve little until her behaviour and her attitude improves. At present, her behaviour is hardly tolerable.

In my defence, this was the 16th school that had I attended and at the time, my father was imprisoned in another country (that's another story), leaving my mother to find work to pay the mortgage, so she was working at Pizza Hut from 4pm - midnight, leaving me (at the age of 14) to babysit my 11 yr old brother and 2 yr old sister.

I consider all of that a good reason for a fourteen year old girl to go off the rails a bit.

Then I found a 'dunny wall' poster that I had stuck on the wall in the dunny when I was 16 yrs old and where people I know wrote their memorable comments. I also had fake signatures of people like Boz Scaggs, Freddie Mercury, Les Gock, Rod Stewart, Peter Frampton and other hot superstars.

My brother wrote the same words on it twice - "Roz is a fat whale." Thanks bro.

There were lots of photos from my previous relationships and from fishing trips with Dad and of the kids when they were little - old Pixie photos - photos of me of various sizes ranging from 'normal' to 'Holy cow! Was I that big???!!'  

So it's been an emotionally intense day for me, having re-experienced the highs and lows of a lifetime of heaven and hell.

The last job for me, is to clean out the magazine rack, which is piled very high with beading magazines and organic gardening magazines. Wish me luck parting with the latter!

I'll take that 'after' photo when I'm done.

Nite all.