Something in the Air

I had a good solid night's sleep and I didn't start work until 11am this morning, so I was able to take my time greeting the day.

But the day just hasn't felt right. I've been out of sorts. A bit weird in the head. Slightly on edge. Emotionally confused. Running on auto pilot.

I was working alone in our shop from 12pm til 4pm and in that time, The Little Mermaid came in six times - once to make sure that I had received the postcard and scratchies that she left for me earlier, twice to borrow money, once to offer me some of the food that she bought with the money she borrowed, once to use our toilet and once to ask me to phone her mother (who thankfully didn't answer her phone).

The Little Mermaid's mental state is quite fragile at the moment and I feel guilty that her constant presence in our shop today sent my mental state into overdrive.

I like The Little Mermaid and when her meds are working properly, she is an intelligent, articulate, caring and capable woman. When they're not working, or when she doesn't take them as she should, she loses all control of every aspect of her life.

There is a fine line between being the right kind of helpful and being the wrong kind of helpful in these circumstances. Some of the businesses and community members do what they can and are very compassionate, while others are intolerant and judgemental.

All I can do, is not enough and will never be enough, but the more we do, the more she will expect us to do and the less likely it is that she will get the real help that she needs.

It's a kind of Catch 22 situation.

Also, it's obvious that the 'real help' that she needs is not available in this area - because she has been trying to get help for years without success.

It bothers me that she walks directly to the area behind our counter without reservation.

It bothers me that she comes into the shop when there are other customers and begins her ranting behaviour.

It bothers me that her demeanour changes from hour to hour.

It bothers me that I hear small excerpts of her life story and I can't figure out what the important people in her life are doing to help.

It bothers me that I can't just make a phone call to fix her.

There are so many things that bother me about the whole situation.

Where is the line? How much do we help? Where do we draw the line for her? How do we help her understand that we have a line?

Aside from this extended emotional hiccup in the day, the shop did well and I came home at 4pm to make a chicken curry for an early dinner because Adoring Husband had SES tonight.

Now I'm off to bed to hopefully get another solid night of sleep, and hopefully tomorrow will feel right and I won't have to function on autopilot.

Nite all.